Trials

It has been a hard past few days. On top of me and the family being sick and work being stressful, I found out that someone I've known since high school shot and killed himself on Monday. I wasn't close to him in recent times but I am close to his cousins and aunt. I've never personally known anyone who has taken their own life, especially in such a dramatic an painful way. I have always felt that one of my spiritual "gifts" was the way that I love people and provide caring and non-judgmental support. I have been put to the test with the use of this gift the past days. I've had countless calls from my long time friend who is like a brother to the person that did this. I am honored to be one of the special people he is confiding in to help bear the weight of this huge and heavy burden, but it is taking its toll on me, too. Night before last I don't think I even slept an hour. My  mind races constantly with non stop visions and instant replays in my mind. My heart aches and aches for the wonderful family he left behind to clean up this mess (lliterally and philosophically) and as they struggle to make it through each day that passes. The big question - WHY - WHY - WHY. No one will ever know WHY exactly and sometimes the not knowing is as painfull as the loss itself. So, I will continue to be the support my friend needs and happily help in any way I can. This is also the first test of many in seeing how I handle major hurdles in life as I try to ensure it doesn't negatively affect my new healthy lifestyle.

So, I told you before that I eat to feed my emotions sometimes. Yesterday was particularly painful and hard for me. I felt like I floated through the day in a complete brain fog. I was emotionally drained. Well, what do you think happened at dinner time? I ate at Olive Garden. The scene was a little different than it had been in the past. Water with lemon instead of diet coke, only one serving of salad, only a breadstick and a half versus 4, and a shared main entree instead of the whole thing - and NO tiramisu. I wasn't completely happy about it once I looked at the nutritional info (note: probably 1000 calories all together) but I could at least still see the changes I've made linger throughout the meal. At any rate, by the time we got to church 45 minutes later - my belly was in immense pain. I still have some leftover heart burn this morning.

Before we had gone to dinner Pete and I had a discussion about this being a "test" for us. Normally at this point in our eating changes - we'd decide to go out to dinner and end up eating bad. Next thing you know, we're doing it 2 times a week, then 3, then 5. Well, we made a verbal commitment that we would NOT be doing that this time. It's okay to splurge every now and then. Eat one bad meal, enjoy it, but MOVE ON! So, that's what we're doing. Back to clean eating on a schedule with tons of water. I will tell you this though - we pulled into the driveway and I said to Pete "listen, if I ever tell you I miss Olive Garden and just HAVE to have it - please remind me of this conversation and of how bad it made me feel. I hate it when I have a moment where my stoomach feels like it is ripping itself out of my body. Not to mention that I could've made a clean pasta dish and my own salad that would've tasted just as good and didn't hurt at all." He just laughed and said "okay - but remember you told me to remind you - don't get mad at me when I do it". Trust me, I will remember this. And I will remember how much better and satisfying it is to eat healthy foods.

One last thing - I know I have harped on the fact that I was never a water drinker. Well, now that it's been almost a full month of clean eating and huge water intake, my body is actually craving it. For the first time ever, I actually reach for water first without even thinking about it. That's a small miracle for me!

In closing, I just want everyone to think about the story I opened this post with. It truly is a stark reminder of how short and precious this life we've been given really is. Now is a great time to tell each and every person that's close to you how important they are to you and that their life does matter. You never know, it may just be the very thing they need to hear at that very moment.